Saturday, April 16, 2005

Am I too old for her?

My back hurts, I'm tired, my brain is weary but I feel guilty! Kate has brought me to my knees this week. Her mother has been working very hard with the orchestra in which they have given four concerts all in different venues. Aberdeen, Dundee, Edinburgh and finally Glasgow. It seems a ridiculous schedule to impose on an orchestra which really, gets paid a pittance. Days that start from 12 and finish at 12 or sometimes 1am are not family friendly. The truth of the matter is though that I feel resentful for having to look after Kate all the time when I am supposed to be on holiday. Resentful is probably a bit extreme but I've had a good dose of the "poor me's". Kate is very demanding in a lot of ways when it comes to physical activities and I am expected to try and keep up. Not only that but making meals for everybody, including myself takes a lot of work and time. I refuse to give in to convenience foods and so I have to cook. It's really for my benefit as the boys would eat carry-outs and frozen pizzas all the time if left to it. I can't, because my diabetes won't allow it. I also prefer my own cooking. So that's a dilemma.

I love Kate to bits but I find myself just wishing she would be old enough to look after herself and let me get on with my own things. The truth is though I probably would waste time and look for other excuses to "not do". Kate deserves a father who can keep up with her and just now I can't. I can't remember what I was like with the boys ( well I can but don't want to!) I drank then and that exhausted me even more. Not drinking now does give me more energy and ability to finish tasks so all I can put it down to is age. Christ, I'm only 49 and my mother is 80! She manages whole days with Kate and she never complains. Caroline is only one year younger and manages most of the time! So if it's not drink and it's not age then it can only be my HEAD!! Now that is not a comfortable place to be sometimes. I need to get my act together and start being positive. Start enacting some of my theories rather than thinking about them. Actions definitely speak louder than words, I just have to look at Kate.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Another week passes!

It's a full week since I last wrote anything here and I can't decide what, if anything, I should write. Has a lot happened or has the week been slightly different that I can't remember it all?

Well, I've had my 49th birthday, Celtic are in the Scottish cup final and Caroline and I have managed some time together. That is definitely different! My birhtday was OK although neither Caroline or the boys even got me card! Now if I was a sensitive soul I might have taken real umbridge at that. As it is it really doesn't matter as long as they get me two cards for the big one next year! Caroline did take me out for lunch when we visited the Oran Mor to see the lunch-time play, The Prisoner. We both enjoyed it even though the writing is a little pretentious for my liking. It was not like a play but more like a William McIllveaney novel being read out. It really was just nice to able to talk without the interruptions of the children,big and small.

The main debate of the week and the thing that is giving me the biggest headache is whether we are going on holiday this summer. We had such a brilliant one last year in Portugal that I feel we must . However I don't really want to go back to Portugal but would prefer to keep that memory of the country in tact. Cowardice maybe but experienced, definitely.

I want to go to Italy and Tuscany holds many happy memories for me but that was nearly 25 years ago! Round Florence looks and sounds wonderful. It's not cheap but I think we need a holiday in somewhere hot and sunny topped up with a bit of culture. Italy's the place. My plans have started and I might just present it as a fait a complit or whatever that is in Italian. I shall go to bed now and dream of those beautiful rolling hills, the pasta and the coffee! I'm almost there!

A very late Addendum! After writing the above I sat down and was having a quick word with Caroline. Quick because she was watching the last part of a series (period drama). Anyway the doorbell rang and I thought "who's that at this time?" I got up and answered it to find my Mother-in-law on the doorstep. She had left about an hour earlier! "What's wrong?" I asked." I've bumped the car! It's not bad, just a flat tyre." Well it was a flat and a buckled wheel caused by "hitting one of those sticky-out pavement things". One hour later the RAC arrive, change the wheel and she is off again. Why is she allowed to drive? She is a liability! A fucking loose cannon and someone will get hurt one day. While the wheel was fixed there was nobody to fix Caroline's bad mood. I tried, but when it comes to her mother, it's a waste of time. Tommorrows another day !

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

My Mother and the Pope

There will be thousands of bloggers writing down their thoughts on the passing of the Pope so why should I be different. How will the Pope's death effect the world? I suppose there will be a void for a couple of weeks and then someone else will take over. For myself it doesn't mean that much but for others, like my mother, it will mean a lot.

My mother was sad to see the Pope die, she has met him three times and often talked of his serenity, but when a new one is announced she will turn her attention to him and show the same love and loyalty. Why?

In many ways I'm jealous of my mother. She has had a pretty hard life, especially in her younger years. She watched her father beat her mother resulting in my gran being commited to a Mental institution for 40 years. She had to deal with her father's alcoholism and subsequent death leaving her a virtual orphan by the age of 13. Then moving into a flat at the age of 16 with no help from her brothers, who had all abandoned the family by that time. How did she manage to stay on the straight and narrow? How could she still be such a good person with no baggage? Being married to my father, who she loves dearly, and bringing up 3 boys was not easy but she did it with love, care and attention. There were never any poor me's or thoughts of running a mile. Her family were and are her life. Except for the one constant through her WHOLE life. The Catholic Church. If there was ever a problem or life was getting too much, she would turn to the church for her strength. The most amazing thing is that it has always come through for her. This has always given her the ability to hand things over to a higher power, in her case God. What an amazing way to be able to live a life. Total acceptance of what is and what will be. Never a question of why! Some people look on that as weakness. For me it is immense strength. That strength has carried her through into her 81st year now and there are no signs of slowing down, indeed I see another 20years at least! She couldn't have live so long and be weak.

Oh to have some of that strength! Is it her faith? I don't know but I do know she will be at Mass on Sunday praying for the whole family and for whoever the new Pope will be.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Musings over a supposed easy week

It's been a week since I last posted and I thought would be in for a relatively easy week. In actual fact It's been a long week. I have felt tired and my diabetes control has not been great. I still don't understand my diabetes sometimes. I can eat almost the same thing two days running but have totally different blood sugar levels. I know it can depend on the amount of exercise I do and I know that if I am looking after Kate at night my blood sugar drops quite dramatically. Just when I think I have that sussed it does something different and the levels can be too high or too low. It was 1.9 last night, after putting Kate to bed and really should have been blacking out! It's a strange condition.

This supposed easy week had me running Fraser and Adam all over the place. Fraser had a string concert in the Tramway on Thursday which we managed to get to unlike Tuesday's rehearsal were we had to turn back because of traffic. The concert itself was long with some interesting parts to it. I thought the Bach double was well played by the soloists, especially the viola, but the cello section was too big for them, thus upsetting the balance. The intermediate strings were good and I thought their choices of music was excellent, especially the Sibelius Tone Poem. Other parts were not so good and I don't think the senior strings are ready yet to launch into the big musical arrangements. This really requires a lot of sound and fine playing. That is something that is especially lacking in the violins. Maybe one day!

Adam had to be taken to the orthodontist to have the second part of his brace put in. OUCH! Painful! The top one was also tightened. I hope all this is worth it in the end. I have my doubts. Bloody cynic!

This is a week I'm glad is over not least because it has reminded me that I will not have anything like an easy week for a good number of years and that life is relentless. Having said that I could be a sad middle aged git sitting in front of a TV screen shouting at it. Or down the pub, solving the world's problems over a large number of pints, getting myself worked up over the stupidest of little things and feeling ill to boot.

Nah. Life is relentless but there is a quality as well. That is something I wouldn't change for anything