Saturday, April 16, 2005

Am I too old for her?

My back hurts, I'm tired, my brain is weary but I feel guilty! Kate has brought me to my knees this week. Her mother has been working very hard with the orchestra in which they have given four concerts all in different venues. Aberdeen, Dundee, Edinburgh and finally Glasgow. It seems a ridiculous schedule to impose on an orchestra which really, gets paid a pittance. Days that start from 12 and finish at 12 or sometimes 1am are not family friendly. The truth of the matter is though that I feel resentful for having to look after Kate all the time when I am supposed to be on holiday. Resentful is probably a bit extreme but I've had a good dose of the "poor me's". Kate is very demanding in a lot of ways when it comes to physical activities and I am expected to try and keep up. Not only that but making meals for everybody, including myself takes a lot of work and time. I refuse to give in to convenience foods and so I have to cook. It's really for my benefit as the boys would eat carry-outs and frozen pizzas all the time if left to it. I can't, because my diabetes won't allow it. I also prefer my own cooking. So that's a dilemma.

I love Kate to bits but I find myself just wishing she would be old enough to look after herself and let me get on with my own things. The truth is though I probably would waste time and look for other excuses to "not do". Kate deserves a father who can keep up with her and just now I can't. I can't remember what I was like with the boys ( well I can but don't want to!) I drank then and that exhausted me even more. Not drinking now does give me more energy and ability to finish tasks so all I can put it down to is age. Christ, I'm only 49 and my mother is 80! She manages whole days with Kate and she never complains. Caroline is only one year younger and manages most of the time! So if it's not drink and it's not age then it can only be my HEAD!! Now that is not a comfortable place to be sometimes. I need to get my act together and start being positive. Start enacting some of my theories rather than thinking about them. Actions definitely speak louder than words, I just have to look at Kate.

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